So if I learned nothing else, my tragic divorce caused me to realize I had the strong will to survive. I had all the tools I needed to become the woman I wanted to be, if I could only make myself believe I was worth the time and effort it would take to complete my metamorphosis. Everyone has the tools they need to change themselves, if they really focus on their habits and behaviors. I still believe that even my ex-husband the drug addict, had the willpower to change, if he could have only believed in his own abilities. He did not believe in himself, but he had seen something in me that was beginning to grow very strong and powerful. A tiny spark had been lit. My new found desire to change my situation would spark a fire that would eventually lead me to my true self.
The change was not entirely deliberate at first, it was simply my will to survive that got me through. Then, I started to feel confident and began to explore these small changes that led to larger changes and this began to create a positive snowball effect in my life. I was spending every moment either caring for my mother or working. I kept a nice guy on the side for some weekend fun, but it was never anything serious... just someone to have dinner and movie dates with when dad would stay with mom on the weekend shifts. I would come and go and my life was so hectic for a while that I really didn't even have time to notice all the changes. All the negatives were swirling through my head. Divorced. Debtor. Fat. Unaccomplished. I didn't want to be any of these things.
The first life changing habit I developed, is what many in the field of the study of habits call, a "Keystone Habit" This is a single shift in your behavior that will begin to impact all of your other behaviors. For me, the keystone habit is and always will be: LOTS OF EXERCISE. I know this sounds overly simplistic. Exercise changed my life, made me happy, helped me realize my self-worth and even got me out of debt... but it is true! I decided I needed a change. My mom was sick but I had to work. At this point I was still married to my ex but things were quickly unraveling. How I started exercising is kind of funny. I needed a job and I wanted to work in retail (relatively stress free with flexible hours to be with my mom) but I KNEW I couldn't trust myself to work in retail at just ANY store. It would have to be a store full of things I could never use or I would spend all my income at the store. I wanted out of my comfort zone. So, it was decided, unathletically, overweight me should start working at a sporting goods store.
It was meant to be a joke but in the end, the irony turned out to be a delight. There was "nothing" at a sporting goods store that I could/would use, so the logic was that I would NEVER spend a penny in the store. HAHAHAHA. I decided to take up exercising because the stress of the pending divorce coupled with my mother's terminal diagnosis was more than I could handle. Plus, there were all these college athlete type guys working at the sporting goods store and they were PRETTY. I had always had always been attractive, but slightly overweight, so I knew these guys were out of my league unless I got in shape! I started exercising anyway, just for me at first. I bought some cute workout clothes at work and joined the gym down the street, when pressed by a co-worker to be her workout buddy.
I lost a few pounds and started feeling good. I lost a few more and started feeling confident in my abilities for the first time in many years. I started doing more kinds of exercise. I spent an entire tax return and bought an elliptical trainer so I could workout at home every day. I bought weights and started strength training. I found the kettlebell section at work and began kettlebell training. Nike came out with a new line of pilates clothes, so I took up pilates and bought the DVD and the outfit. Asics put out neon pink running shoes, so I tried that, too! Cute hiking boots? Let's go to the mountains! I was still spending money, but I was also sticking to a budget for the first time ever. I was paying down debts, not racking them up! My new hobby was making me feel great!
By the time the divorce was final and I had a clear picture of the mess I was in, I also started to develop a picture of the life I'd like to have. In shape. In control. In love. In school. In a home of our own someday. It all seemed entirely impossible, except.... I was actually getting IN SHAPE. Was it possible? I'd never been able to run a mile as a kid and now suddenly, I'm taking selfies at the gym and going for "relaxing runs" before bed..... my anxiety began to stabilize. My self confidence blossomed.
I was on track to getting in shape, so what else could I do? I began to focus on school. I enrolled in junior college part-time, so I could still spend plenty of time with my mother and not be too stressed out by the promotion I received at work! I went to school part-time, made the A/B honor roll, worked full-time, enjoyed several promotions and spent every other second focused on my mother's health and comfort. I lived with my parents throughout the entire two years of my mother's battle with cancer and this enabled me to pay off as much debt as possible. My bills were getting less-scary and my mother was doing well... I was growing more and more confident....
but just as I said before, if you let down your guard even for a second, your old demons will be waiting!
No comments:
Post a Comment