So if I learned nothing else, my tragic divorce caused me to realize I had the strong will to survive. I had all the tools I needed to become the woman I wanted to be, if I could only make myself believe I was worth the time and effort it would take to complete my metamorphosis. Everyone has the tools they need to change themselves, if they really focus on their habits and behaviors. I still believe that even my ex-husband the drug addict, had the willpower to change, if he could have only believed in his own abilities. He did not believe in himself, but he had seen something in me that was beginning to grow very strong and powerful. A tiny spark had been lit. My new found desire to change my situation would spark a fire that would eventually lead me to my true self.
The change was not entirely deliberate at first, it was simply my will to survive that got me through. Then, I started to feel confident and began to explore these small changes that led to larger changes and this began to create a positive snowball effect in my life. I was spending every moment either caring for my mother or working. I kept a nice guy on the side for some weekend fun, but it was never anything serious... just someone to have dinner and movie dates with when dad would stay with mom on the weekend shifts. I would come and go and my life was so hectic for a while that I really didn't even have time to notice all the changes. All the negatives were swirling through my head. Divorced. Debtor. Fat. Unaccomplished. I didn't want to be any of these things.
The first life changing habit I developed, is what many in the field of the study of habits call, a "Keystone Habit" This is a single shift in your behavior that will begin to impact all of your other behaviors. For me, the keystone habit is and always will be: LOTS OF EXERCISE. I know this sounds overly simplistic. Exercise changed my life, made me happy, helped me realize my self-worth and even got me out of debt... but it is true! I decided I needed a change. My mom was sick but I had to work. At this point I was still married to my ex but things were quickly unraveling. How I started exercising is kind of funny. I needed a job and I wanted to work in retail (relatively stress free with flexible hours to be with my mom) but I KNEW I couldn't trust myself to work in retail at just ANY store. It would have to be a store full of things I could never use or I would spend all my income at the store. I wanted out of my comfort zone. So, it was decided, unathletically, overweight me should start working at a sporting goods store.
It was meant to be a joke but in the end, the irony turned out to be a delight. There was "nothing" at a sporting goods store that I could/would use, so the logic was that I would NEVER spend a penny in the store. HAHAHAHA. I decided to take up exercising because the stress of the pending divorce coupled with my mother's terminal diagnosis was more than I could handle. Plus, there were all these college athlete type guys working at the sporting goods store and they were PRETTY. I had always had always been attractive, but slightly overweight, so I knew these guys were out of my league unless I got in shape! I started exercising anyway, just for me at first. I bought some cute workout clothes at work and joined the gym down the street, when pressed by a co-worker to be her workout buddy.
I lost a few pounds and started feeling good. I lost a few more and started feeling confident in my abilities for the first time in many years. I started doing more kinds of exercise. I spent an entire tax return and bought an elliptical trainer so I could workout at home every day. I bought weights and started strength training. I found the kettlebell section at work and began kettlebell training. Nike came out with a new line of pilates clothes, so I took up pilates and bought the DVD and the outfit. Asics put out neon pink running shoes, so I tried that, too! Cute hiking boots? Let's go to the mountains! I was still spending money, but I was also sticking to a budget for the first time ever. I was paying down debts, not racking them up! My new hobby was making me feel great!
By the time the divorce was final and I had a clear picture of the mess I was in, I also started to develop a picture of the life I'd like to have. In shape. In control. In love. In school. In a home of our own someday. It all seemed entirely impossible, except.... I was actually getting IN SHAPE. Was it possible? I'd never been able to run a mile as a kid and now suddenly, I'm taking selfies at the gym and going for "relaxing runs" before bed..... my anxiety began to stabilize. My self confidence blossomed.
I was on track to getting in shape, so what else could I do? I began to focus on school. I enrolled in junior college part-time, so I could still spend plenty of time with my mother and not be too stressed out by the promotion I received at work! I went to school part-time, made the A/B honor roll, worked full-time, enjoyed several promotions and spent every other second focused on my mother's health and comfort. I lived with my parents throughout the entire two years of my mother's battle with cancer and this enabled me to pay off as much debt as possible. My bills were getting less-scary and my mother was doing well... I was growing more and more confident....
but just as I said before, if you let down your guard even for a second, your old demons will be waiting!
Saturday, December 28, 2013
A Wakeup Call
As I stated in a previous post, I spent most of my early twenties with some really bad ideas and habits that still haunt me today. Even when the statute of limitations runs out on many of my derogatory marks, I wonder if the lessons learned by those derogatory marks will stick, or if I'm financially doomed, like my own mother. I like to say that, "No, way! I learned my lesson!" but the truth is that being financially fit is very similar to being physically fit. What on earth am I talking about? What I mean is that finances are something you must work at everyday. You mustn't let down your guard for a second or your old demons will find you! How do I know? I've been there, done that and gotten a t-shirt... like three times now.
It takes a wakeup call for most people with bad financial or lifestyle habits to realize they've even done anything wrong. The first time I racked up a load of debt, I was young and dumb. My first wakeup call moment came when the lawyers sent out a certified letter saying that if I didn't come up with $700 to pay capital one in less than a month they were going to sue me! I broke down and went to my mother, who, although she could not help me financially, could always provide support in a non-judging way. She soothed me and assured me that if I simply called and set up a payment plan they would not sue me. She sat there with me while I called the lawyer's office and they did exactly what she said: agreed not to sue me if I agreed to make really big payments on the credit card. So there, I defaulted on my first card at the tender age of 22.
Then, there's the awful money habits I took into relationships. My ex came from a wealthy family and had never lived a day without the best of everything. I was wooed by all the gifts and nice things I'd never experienced. His parents bought us expensive home furnishings and took us to five-star restaurants. He said he made a lot of money working for his father and I was stupid enough to believe him! I thought he was the answer to my money problems. I could just marry this rich guy, he could take care of my debts, and I could live a happy life of Michael Kors bags and fine dining. Only, life doesn't work like that and 22 year olds don't often realize this key bit of information.
I should've known something was wrong by the way he controlled EVERYTHING. I didn't really pay attention at first, because it was just so nice not to have to worry! I don't even know how much the rent cost at our fancy new apartment because I never once paid the rent. I worked to keep myself sane and shopped every Saturday and magically all my bills were paid and there was money in my bank account. Only, he would never combine bank accounts with me. He asked if we could sign up the cable and things in my name because he had no credit. We took on debts in my name. Oh my God....
WAKE UP CALL! The man is a fraud! He had nothing. WE had nothing. His parents were footing the bill for our lifestyle. It turns out the guy was a spoiled rich-kid with an insane drug and alcohol problem that I was NEVER told about, throughout the ENTIRE three year relationship! He wouldn't combine bank accounts with me, because if I could see his bank account, I could see where all his money was going and the truth was terrifying. One night it all came crashing down and I found out all the truth. In spite of lofty promises, he had nothing and in addition to paying our mutual bills (they bought our rent, utilities and food) his parents were paying lawyers, court referral officers, corrections officers, outpatient rehab centers, a team of psychologists and a slew of methadone treatment centers. What did this all mean? Why hadn't anyone told me? Why did I open that box of papers that led to my knowing the truth?
He was a drug addict, plain and simple. He was a second generation alcoholic and in addition to that, he loved opiates and really any narcotic pain killer. The year before we met, he had been arrested for driving his brand new Acura into a tree. When they found him, both he and the Acura were loaded up full of narcotics. He went to the ER. He went to jail. He went to rehab. He was clean and sober when we met, so I honestly did not know when he started slipping. You watch those TV shows (namely, who the bleep did I marry?!?) and you think, these women are CRAZY. How did they NOT know?!? The truth is simply that, some people are con artists. Their entire lives are a mess of lies, spun up so intricately that they start to believe the lies themselves. He was smooth for a long time. For two and a half years, I did not know. It wasn't until my mom was diagnosed with a terminal illness that the truth all came out. I suspected he had started stealing her oxycontin. I got curious. Inconsistencies flared up so I started digging through our lives. Then I found the stack of papers. Lawyers, CRO's, Methadone clinics, doctors, therapists, more methadone clinics, outpatient rehabs..... he owed them all lots of money.
Armed with my new resolution, I filed for legal separation. Any idiot who would steal from my dying mother was on the fast track to divorce court. However, for some STUPID reason, I signed the papers his family lawyer's had drawn up and I didn't even TRY to hold him accountable for ANY of the debts in my name. He paid what was in his name and I paid what was in mine. That left me with our debts... including the cable my ex signed up for under my name and then he ran off with the box (OK, I never got it back after I left him... it was worth $800 not to have to SEE him again) So then, I owed the cable company another $800. Ugh. I gave up on ever owning a house, cut up all my credit cards, began working extra shifts and started paying at the debts.
I considered this point in my life to be rock bottom. I was 23, divorced, loaded up with debt and 30 pounds overweight. Not to mention my mother was dying. That eclipsed all else. I didn't even care about the debt or the numbers. I just wanted to give up! My credit score was so low, I didn't even know credit scores WENT that low. I had my wakeup call... but how could I live in the wake of the mess I'd gotten into? I did not yet know it, but I had already begun to take the first few steps on the path to a new life.
My ex-husband's last words to me actually held more wisdom than I would realized for several years to come. On our last meeting, I asked him why he couldn't work to truly BE the person he had claimed to be when we first started dating, then we could stay together. I asked him if he didn't love me more than he loved the drugs? His answer was pitiful in reply but has resonated in my heart ever since... his reply was short and sullen, but moving
"Sheena.... not everyone HAS the willpower you have."
I realized I was rich beyond measure. I was rich with a strong will to survive.
It takes a wakeup call for most people with bad financial or lifestyle habits to realize they've even done anything wrong. The first time I racked up a load of debt, I was young and dumb. My first wakeup call moment came when the lawyers sent out a certified letter saying that if I didn't come up with $700 to pay capital one in less than a month they were going to sue me! I broke down and went to my mother, who, although she could not help me financially, could always provide support in a non-judging way. She soothed me and assured me that if I simply called and set up a payment plan they would not sue me. She sat there with me while I called the lawyer's office and they did exactly what she said: agreed not to sue me if I agreed to make really big payments on the credit card. So there, I defaulted on my first card at the tender age of 22.
Then, there's the awful money habits I took into relationships. My ex came from a wealthy family and had never lived a day without the best of everything. I was wooed by all the gifts and nice things I'd never experienced. His parents bought us expensive home furnishings and took us to five-star restaurants. He said he made a lot of money working for his father and I was stupid enough to believe him! I thought he was the answer to my money problems. I could just marry this rich guy, he could take care of my debts, and I could live a happy life of Michael Kors bags and fine dining. Only, life doesn't work like that and 22 year olds don't often realize this key bit of information.
I should've known something was wrong by the way he controlled EVERYTHING. I didn't really pay attention at first, because it was just so nice not to have to worry! I don't even know how much the rent cost at our fancy new apartment because I never once paid the rent. I worked to keep myself sane and shopped every Saturday and magically all my bills were paid and there was money in my bank account. Only, he would never combine bank accounts with me. He asked if we could sign up the cable and things in my name because he had no credit. We took on debts in my name. Oh my God....
WAKE UP CALL! The man is a fraud! He had nothing. WE had nothing. His parents were footing the bill for our lifestyle. It turns out the guy was a spoiled rich-kid with an insane drug and alcohol problem that I was NEVER told about, throughout the ENTIRE three year relationship! He wouldn't combine bank accounts with me, because if I could see his bank account, I could see where all his money was going and the truth was terrifying. One night it all came crashing down and I found out all the truth. In spite of lofty promises, he had nothing and in addition to paying our mutual bills (they bought our rent, utilities and food) his parents were paying lawyers, court referral officers, corrections officers, outpatient rehab centers, a team of psychologists and a slew of methadone treatment centers. What did this all mean? Why hadn't anyone told me? Why did I open that box of papers that led to my knowing the truth?
He was a drug addict, plain and simple. He was a second generation alcoholic and in addition to that, he loved opiates and really any narcotic pain killer. The year before we met, he had been arrested for driving his brand new Acura into a tree. When they found him, both he and the Acura were loaded up full of narcotics. He went to the ER. He went to jail. He went to rehab. He was clean and sober when we met, so I honestly did not know when he started slipping. You watch those TV shows (namely, who the bleep did I marry?!?) and you think, these women are CRAZY. How did they NOT know?!? The truth is simply that, some people are con artists. Their entire lives are a mess of lies, spun up so intricately that they start to believe the lies themselves. He was smooth for a long time. For two and a half years, I did not know. It wasn't until my mom was diagnosed with a terminal illness that the truth all came out. I suspected he had started stealing her oxycontin. I got curious. Inconsistencies flared up so I started digging through our lives. Then I found the stack of papers. Lawyers, CRO's, Methadone clinics, doctors, therapists, more methadone clinics, outpatient rehabs..... he owed them all lots of money.
Armed with my new resolution, I filed for legal separation. Any idiot who would steal from my dying mother was on the fast track to divorce court. However, for some STUPID reason, I signed the papers his family lawyer's had drawn up and I didn't even TRY to hold him accountable for ANY of the debts in my name. He paid what was in his name and I paid what was in mine. That left me with our debts... including the cable my ex signed up for under my name and then he ran off with the box (OK, I never got it back after I left him... it was worth $800 not to have to SEE him again) So then, I owed the cable company another $800. Ugh. I gave up on ever owning a house, cut up all my credit cards, began working extra shifts and started paying at the debts.
I considered this point in my life to be rock bottom. I was 23, divorced, loaded up with debt and 30 pounds overweight. Not to mention my mother was dying. That eclipsed all else. I didn't even care about the debt or the numbers. I just wanted to give up! My credit score was so low, I didn't even know credit scores WENT that low. I had my wakeup call... but how could I live in the wake of the mess I'd gotten into? I did not yet know it, but I had already begun to take the first few steps on the path to a new life.
My ex-husband's last words to me actually held more wisdom than I would realized for several years to come. On our last meeting, I asked him why he couldn't work to truly BE the person he had claimed to be when we first started dating, then we could stay together. I asked him if he didn't love me more than he loved the drugs? His answer was pitiful in reply but has resonated in my heart ever since... his reply was short and sullen, but moving
"Sheena.... not everyone HAS the willpower you have."
I realized I was rich beyond measure. I was rich with a strong will to survive.
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